My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My life is pants optional.
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