I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
