and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gift wrapped bread.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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