he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
