someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
