i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He felt like a one man threesome
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
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It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
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I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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