i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
