Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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