I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
