I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
