I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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