when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
