Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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