Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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