i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
