just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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