This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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