my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
