We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
