respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
