Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
