I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
