I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
