Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
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It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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