when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
