Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
