I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Randomize
