Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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