is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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