I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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