Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
is it fun? or sober?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
