im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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