apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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