I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
