So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
