Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
