God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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