Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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