he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
