Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
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Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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