Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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