theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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