what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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