If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
