I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
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I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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