Your mouth is God's brothel.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
