were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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