the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
