Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
