This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
