on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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