She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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