a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
well you can't waste a boner
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
