That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
